After Story Read online

  Larissa is the author of two novels: Home, which won the 2002 David Unaipon Award and the regional Commonwealth Writers’ Prize for Best First Book; and Legacy, which won the 2010 Victorian Premier’s Literary Award for Indigenous Writing. She has published numerous books on Indigenous legal issues; her most recent non-fiction book is Finding Eliza: Power and Colonial Storytelling. She was awarded the 2009 NAIDOC Person of the Year award and 2011 NSW Australian of the Year. Larissa wrote and directed the feature films, After the Apology and Innocence Betrayed and has written and produced several short films. In 2018 she won the Australian Directors’ Guild Award for Best Direction in a Documentary Feature and in 2020 the AACTA for Best Direction in Nonfiction Television. She is the host of Speaking Out on ABC radio and is Distinguished Professor at the Jumbunna Institute at the University of Technology Sydney.

  Also by Larissa Behrendt

  Home

  Legacy

  Finding Eliza: Power and Colonial Storytelling

  For Michael Lavarch

  Thy firmness makes my circle just

  And makes me end, where I began

  —John Donne

  But what after all is one night? A short space,

  especially when the darkness dims so soon, and so soon a bird sings …

  —Virginia Woolf

  All I can remember, and this is what I told the police over and over again, is that there was a party at the house and I’d been drinking.

  I went to bed at midnight, one o’clock? The girls were in the bedroom with me. That’s how it was back then, all of us in one bed – Brittany was seven, Leigh-Anne, five, and Jazzie only three. I slept right through to morning.

  I was never much good at knowing what time it was or describing in measurements how far something was from something else. What I do know, is that when I did finally wake up sunlight was streaming through the holes in the sheet that covered the window, making rays of light in the floating dust. You’d have thought something so pretty was a good sign but luck was never much on my side.

  I laid there for a while watching dust fairies dancing in the air. I felt groggy, like the alcohol I’d drunk the night before had affected me much more than it should’ve. I wasn’t surprised that the girls were already up. They always did their own thing and there were plenty of people around to keep an eye on them. It’s hard to imagine that now but back then you just never worried.

  When I walked out of the bedroom, Jazzie was in front of the television playing with her cousin, plump little Kylie. My head was thick as stew so I made a cup of tea and took it out to the porch, more than ready for my first smoke of the day. We had some plastic chairs there so you could sit and watch the street, right down to the end where the town turned back to bush. From here I could see who was coming and going, see who was visiting who. It was the type of place where the neighbours would stop as they walked by to have a quick chat over the low rusty mesh fence.

  The houses only ran down one side of the road; on the other side was bushland hiding a nearby creek. We called the part of town we lived in ‘Frog Hollow’ because it flooded first, although it was never called that on any map. The kids in our street didn’t have much but never seemed bored because they made their own fun.

  I could see Leigh-Anne riding a small pink bicycle that belonged to next door’s girl – up and down their driveway she was pedalling, full of purpose. One side of the bike had streamers on the handlebars; on the other they’d all been ripped out. It’s funny, the things you remember and the things you forget.

  As I rested my head, tired and heavy from the night before, I scanned the street. ‘You seen Brittany?’ I yelled out to Leigh-Anne, so she’d know I was there, watching. She shook her head and kept concentrating on working the pink pedals with her little feet.

  I wasn’t concerned at first. Brittany’s father, Jimmy, was living two doors down and she could just as easily have been there, or in any of the houses along our street. So, I can’t tell you why, but as I sat in the slow-warming autumn morning I started to feel uneasy, like there was a fishing line in my stomach looking for something to hook.

  I walked over to Jimmy’s house and found him nursing his own savage hangover. Brittany wasn’t there, so I went to Aunty Elaine’s house, the last in our street. She rang my sister, Kiki, who lived two blocks over, close to a row of small family-run shops on the main road. By the time Kiki arrived, I was going from house to house knocking on doors. That deep, crawling feeling kept growing, spreading out like dark honey spilt over a tablecloth.

  Together, Kiki and I tried every friend of Brittany’s we could think of. No-one had seen her; no-one knew where she was. We searched down at the creek and in the surrounding bush, our voices echoing in the silence. And all the while, that darkness inside me kept growing.

  By late afternoon, Kiki took me to the police station and we reported Brittany missing. Even then, I was hoping – against the howling blood in my veins – she’d walk through the door, oblivious to all the panic she’d caused.

  But that’s not what happened.

  And life was never the same again.

  Packing

  Della

  I should’ve known that Kiki couldn’t be happy for me when I told her I was going on a trip overseas. That woman has resented everything ever since we were kids. It’s water off a duck’s back to me now; that hard turn in her mouth, the lift of her eyebrow when she’s none too impressed.

  ‘I’m not looking after your pets,’ she said.

  ‘That’s okay, I’ve made other arrangements,’ I told her, even though we both knew I hadn’t.

  She couldn’t dampen my mood this time. It’s not every day you get to go on a holiday. Fact is, I’ve never been outside Australia before. I’ve been to Sydney and Brisbane on the train but mostly I’ve stayed here, in the town where I was born, where my parents and grandparents all lived, too. I’m just not one of those people who’s always dreamed of going places. I’d rather stay at home with my memories and what I know. Pat at the salon goes somewhere every year, adding postcards to the wall of her shop when she returns. But I’ve never seen the need. I wouldn’t know how to do all the organising, wouldn’t know where to start.

  To be honest, when Jazzie – or Jasmine as I’m supposed to call her now – rang and said she wanted to take me on a holiday to England, I said I’d think about it but I was really leaning towards ‘no’.

  It was Kiki who decided it for me when she said, ‘Do you really think it’s a good idea?’ She used that same tone she always uses when she’s criticising me. She’s been using it on me since we were small and uses it mostly now when she has advice about my girls – and she always, always has an opinion about them.

  Right then, when I heard her tone, I made up my mind to go. ‘Jasmine picked it. It’s a tour about books and writers. She thought it would be interesting.’

  ‘What do you know about books and writers?’ Kiki’s always been one of those people who sees the world as half empty rather than half full, so when she asks a question I don’t think she means it to sound as rude as it sometimes comes out.

  ‘Jasmine says it doesn’t matter. There’ll be a guide to explain everything and it’ll be all things I’ve never seen anyway. She just wants to spend some time with me.’

  ‘Can’t she do that by just coming back here?’

  ‘Well, she wants to do it this way, away from everything.’

  ‘Jimmy’s passing’s been very hard on the girls. Six months is nothing. It’s all still very raw,’ Kiki told me in her know-it-all voice, as if I didn’t understand.

  And here’s what I wanted to say to her: I loved him, too. Loved him right throu
gh to the soft parts of me deep in my bones. Even though Jimmy and I never got back together after what happened with Brittany, we’d been close to it. But in the gloomy fog that followed, so many things were broken. And Jimmy and me, we were just one more thing. So, I’d lost him all those years ago but in my dreams he was always there and it was like I’d lived another life with him, even though it was one I’d only imagined. When you harbour a longing for all those years, well, it becomes a very big part of you. So losing him for real, losing the very being of him, was just as hard. There’d never be anything more between us.

  These past six months I’ve asked my own questions of him. His dying didn’t stop my need to ask him things, it just stopped the chance of an answer. There’s no consolation, no solace in his passing, but I know what he suffered in life so I feel a certainty in my guts that he’s found his own peace now.

  In the days after Brittany went missing I couldn’t sleep. The world went on around me but time didn’t count for anything. I could sit for hours, my eyes fixed as a raindrop on the rusty guttering would grow fat like a pregnant belly, weighed down by its own being, and then drop with a splat on the floor below, mixing with a pool of water and becoming part of something bigger, but lost to itself. Then I would stare as another made its way through the same cycle. How long did I keep doing that? Well, it could have been all the days I’ve ever known.

  One night, during that half-life time, I went outside for a smoke. It was in the early hours where you can feel the promise of dawn. It was biting cold and I had a jumper on over my nightdress, but my feet were bare and I was suffering the numbing pain of the cold concrete porch. I remember savouring the hard hurt of it.

  I shivered, drawing in warm, calming gulps of nicotine, and looked to the end of the street into the darkened bushland. Creeping down the road in a slow march was a thick mist. The whole world was still except for this swirling cloud and I can’t tell you why but I felt a deep calm. I felt that whatever or whoever was caught in the mist, they were telling me that Brittany had found peace.

  It was only after that night that I started to hear her voice, or would catch a glimpse of her from the corner of my eye. Aunty Elaine believed in spirits and I don’t doubt her. Not one bit. Sometimes I can feel Brittany with me. Sometimes I hear her call out ‘Mum’.

  And that’s what I wanted to say to Kiki but of course I didn’t. She could twitch her mouth all she liked but I was going on that trip. I just needed to find someone to look after my pets.

  Jasmine

  The Ulysses butterfly lives for only eight months. It’s not surprising that once they emerge from their chrysalis after two weeks of metamorphosis – from being something so sluggish, so earthbound, to something delicate and light – their first blind instinct is to fly, to escape, their fragile wings flapping for freedom.

  Once, while Mum was going through one of her ‘unwell’ periods, Aunt Kiki took me and Leigh-Anne up to Cairns. What I remember most was the butterfly farm, a large netted cage filled with thousands of fluttering specks glinting ultramarine in the sky. It seemed so sad, so cruel that their natural migration had been stopped, even though they probably weren’t even aware they were trapped, couldn’t understand why they had the driving urge to go somewhere they’d never get to.

  I grew up in a small country town – population 1200. There were just eight houses in my street. A highway bypass was eventually built and after that, businesses slowly closed, houses were abandoned, dairy farms sold, the tannery shut. In this stagnating place, I felt like a caterpillar – sluggish, squishy and earthbound. Everyone felt they knew everything about me, and what they knew most was that I was ‘Brittany’s little sister’, defined by the ghost of someone I barely knew.

  My years in the city, studying and post-university, should have been the time to spread my wings, become light and fly. But I’m starting to realise you can never escape what you hope to leave behind.

  People often assume I chose to go to law school because of what happened to my sister. It’s a good story but like all good stories it’s not the whole truth. I’ve always liked to know what motivates people, why they do the things they do. That’s what reading books is all about – writers attempt to reveal truths about human behaviour, about our inner workings, our flaws. I’d always thought if I understood the why of things, maybe I could help change them for the better.

  As a child, I’d slip unnoticed into a room, enter silently, taking a smug pride in my secret power to become invisible. I’d listen, hidden, to other people’s conversations, inquisitive to know what they’d let slip. I thought what I’d hear would make the world easier to understand, that I’d be able to solve mysteries by discovering the things I wasn’t supposed to know. My mother would yell at me if she found me lurking. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ she’d shout, as though curiosity was unnatural.

  The only person who seemed to understand me was Aunty Elaine. She was my grandmother’s cousin but like everyone else in town I called her ‘Aunty’. I asked her once if she was the oldest person in the world, because I thought you’d have to live a long time to learn everything she seemed to know. ‘No, Bub, bless you.’ She giggled with delight and winked, ‘I’m just the wisest.’ She was always making predictions – who would leave, who was about to arrive, when the rain was coming, when the season was about to turn.

  ‘But how do you know?’ I’d ask her.

  ‘Just a gut feeling,’ she’d say, tapping her large belly. And then she’d laugh her deepest laugh, the one that made the lines around her eyes furrow.

  People can be sceptical about talk of spirits, but when Aunty Elaine made a prediction it wouldn’t be long before the weather would change, a cousin would come visiting, there’d be a funeral, someone’s stomach would start to swell.

  I’d go to her place after school to do my homework. I could never study at home, not at Mum’s, Dad’s or Aunt Kiki’s – too many people, too many distractions. Without Aunty Elaine, I’d most likely have ended up like Leigh-Anne, dropping out of school and pretending that getting pregnant was what I really wanted to do.

  I’d sit on Aunty Elaine’s back porch in the oversized chair with the big cushions. Curled up there, I’d read. She was the only person on our street who had any books in their house. She’d come home on pension day with an already well-thumbed novel from the second-hand store. ‘Look what I’ve found. I’ve been wanting this one for ages,’ she’d say. It wasn’t until years later that I realised she never read any of those books but I’d devoured every word on every page. The Secret Seven, Anne of Green Gables, Nancy Drew, Little Women, then Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Thomas Hardy and the Brontë sisters. I could mark my journey through childhood with these stories, each one offering a world different from the one I was in, with mostly happy endings.

  On Aunty Elaine’s back porch, I could hide from the world – but I could also watch. Her house was slightly elevated, so I could see back down the street into everyone’s backyard and to the pastures behind them. I could see the back of Dad’s house and then two doors over was Mum’s.

  My parents living apart but so close might seem like a strange arrangement to anyone who didn’t live in the Frog Hollow part of our town. Here, especially among the poor families like ours who never went anywhere, it was all one big interconnected web of kinship, with every degree of separation leading back to where it started with just two or three steps.

  Aunty Elaine would say that if she told someone something on the phone and then walked down the street, by the time she passed the six houses in between hers and ours, my mother would already know the story even though what she’d say was mixed up with myth and the bare snippets of what people thought they knew. And these were the suffocating facts: we were ‘Brittany’s sisters’. Leigh-Anne was the ‘loud one’, me ‘the quiet one’ – like labels pinned to butterfly specimens, encased under glass.

  Leigh-Anne is opinionated and vocal
like Aunt Kiki. And like her, Leigh-Anne has striking blue eyes that flash, coffee-coloured skin and untameable curly black hair. When she arrives somewhere, anywhere, there’s a noticeable change in the atmosphere, like a fire has begun to burn. Even without a word, she’s loud of dress, of presence; when speaking, she’s devoid of any subtlety. Chalk and cheese, my mother liked to say about the two of us.

  ‘Huge mistake. Huge!’ Leigh-Anne had thundered down the phone when I told her about our trip. ‘Her behaviour at Dad’s funeral was unforgivable. I’m so done with her. You’re asking for a world of trouble.’

  Leigh-Anne had said many times before in the heat of an argument that she was ‘done’ with Mum but always Aunt Kiki and Aunty Elaine had managed to bring her around. This was their longest rupture and it felt much deeper. I was sure if Aunty Elaine was still here, these bridges would already be mended.

  ‘She’s all we’ve got left,’ I’d said, meekly.

  ‘Not me. I’ve got my kids, remember? And we’ve always got Kiki. You know, Jazz, you can talk about all that stuff you read at your fancy university but I’m not going to say it’s okay when it’s not. I’m not making any more excuses for her. She’s never going to change, you know. Even with all that study you’ve done, you’re still not smart about people.’

  The loud one; the quiet one.

  You’d think that what happened to Brittany would engender nothing but sympathy for Mum and Dad, but as the years went by people thought it should become a thing of the past – ‘you have to move on’, ‘time will heal’, ‘put it behind you’. The truth for my parents was that it never got easier, never stopped being a raw wound. Then the time came when people just didn’t know what to say in the face of such entrenched, lingering grief. Mum and Dad made them feel awkward. They would look at Mum like she had a terminal illness, surprised she’d survived so long.